He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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