Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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