The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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