I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
