I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
