My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She bit a glass in half.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
