Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
