My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
