i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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