I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize