During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
