remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
