My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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