my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
