i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
honey bunches of taint.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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