South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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