he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
