I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize