kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
