we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
