Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i believe in u and ur pee
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