Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
no. you can't hotbox the world.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
