I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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