Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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