the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he fucked my hip out of place.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
