Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
