my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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