He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
