im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
how drunk are you?
Several
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
