Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
