dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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