I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
