okay pat passed out under dana's car
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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