I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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