It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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