I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
false alarm, still single
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
