Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
