Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
