Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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