Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
