well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
