you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
