I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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