apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
