Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
