if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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