It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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