Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
