I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
