I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
